to learn that this is my life — and i don’t want to make any comparison — despite and because of it [on having a battle with the self].

Again, I read things about stoicism today and probably will take it seriously later on.

I become anxious because a lot of people seem to own different directions than I do, and it appears to be general truths — where they possess nothing but a mutual understanding — when they, again, differ from mine.

It sucks, being different — because the streets are so much emptier and I can’t find a lot of friends to relate to.

Why force yourself to join the flow of these streams, Nis?

Why did you need to prove that you are capable? When capability itself isn’t always something important to be measured by others. You have your own, and your judgments of your own values are more important than anything in the world.

Having the courage to walk on your own path is the right way to do, always.

But still, even when anyone’s wins aren’t my loss, even when anyone’s dreams aren’t mine to pursue, I feel like something isn’t right here.

I am afraid that I will be missing out. That I will never find people I can connect with. I am afraid that I will be leaving the most important part of my life. The fear of missing out is creeping right through here.. and it’s real.

But then, I know that there’s no one to look up to. No, there’s no benchmark where I can set myself on that. I don’t have any limit to take a leap. The only thing I have is my time, but then, I think, I like my solitude — way better than anything else in the world.

Do I really want to fight for something? And about what I am currently doing now.. isn’t that enough?

I see how one thing influences the other. I see how interconnected we are in this huge spider web — called life. I see, and most of the time, I understand. It’s all about what matters and what doesn’t. Sadly, most of us can’t really tell the differences between both of them.

I don’t even know if I do it right. I think all I am doing is making mistakes and placing my whole self in danger.

It’s sad that I need to see my life as a single entity because if I try to place some closest people in it, it would be a disaster. It’s hard when you are trying to heal from something that is close to you, it’s like trying to get rid of the part of you.

There’s no self-love without love from others. There’s no possible light coming through our souls if we don’t save ourselves from this hell. But again, this is only my life. Maybe it’s okay if all I can do is saving myself by trying to be a little numb when the pain hits, or maybe to cover up my ears — but I guess I can’t do it anymore because I am the only one who’s able to set them apart so they won’t kill each other.

I know maybe I don't deserve many good things in life because I was born like this, in this, by this, with this. I don’t want to blame others for their lack of understanding. I don’t want to envy anyone simply because I have different shoes than them. Maybe, others have it so much easier, and it’s not their fault.

I have that one time when I confessed to a friend that I had become bitter, that all I see in this world is how cruel it has been to me. I feel like the one who’s hurting the most by all of this.

In fact, we are all enduring pain from things we don’t talk about. We are all trying to heal from things that haunt us to this very day. We try to love, to be tender, despite-despite-despite many things.

I hope you make it, because I will make it. I will understand. I will stop blaming all the things that I can’t control.

This is the one little life I have, and I don’t want to compare my journey to anyone. I am enough as it is.