on almost-mid 2024: on embracing the ordinary and dreams that change over time
It’s ridiculous how I took so much time when it came to writing, that the last thing I wrote was posted in November last year.
Or maybe life went too fast, and I barely caught up.
My first rant here would be… work, because it’s my seventh month working on my first actual job, and I had through two evaluations where I presented whatever I had in mind to my users who have been so patient dealing with my teenager-like spirit. Not to mention that one coaching session where my manager made me swallow bitter pills on how I performed differently depending on the tasks. I would thrive if I find meanings, and otherwise, I would do whatever if I do not care about them.
He was right every time, I truly did not find meaning sometimes, and I would somehow resist if I had to do something meaningless — or say it, impactless.
It’s not professionalism, he told me, and what you are doing at work is professional.
He was right again.
I just hadn’t been the adult I always wanted myself to be.
It’s still circling in my mind, the way he closed the session with questions of, “What do you want to explore? What do you enjoy and not enjoy doing?” because I haven’t reached that level of self-aware even when I reflect and write a lot — it just doesn’t come hand in hand because I never learn about it growing up.
Whatever life throws me, I take it as it is; in what sense my free will takes over, I never really give it a listen. Hence, I just replied, “Isn’t it too soon to make any conclusions?”. Because on top of it all, I simply wasn’t prepared for it.
If I have to let it out, my answer would be…
I didn’t work hard enough. I haven’t learned as much as I was supposed to. It did take some time for me to have a sense of ownership towards my career, therefore my only goal, for now, is to find excitement in my job while embracing the places I have not been, and a better version of someone I have yet to be.
On another note…
I am currently living on the tip of the south region of Java Island, far south. Next to my dorm lays a beach where every evening, the sun will drown into the horizon, brush the sky, and make the scene romantic, hence it’s quite easy to fall in love with someone who watches the sunset with you (at least that’s what see through my friends’ stories).
In early 2024, though, the winds blow aggressively as the night follows, celebrating the end of the dry season. Every weekend or sometimes on weekdays, I went here to do nothing, sometimes crocheting (a project I neglect), reading (an unfinished pile of books), and other times just talking and wandering with my peers.
It’s indeed as though the speed of my life decreases, and life somehow slows down with each coming day.
No longer do I get busy comparing my current situation with those ahead of me, partly because it’s tiring and I no longer have much energy to waste, or maybe I kind of accept that my life is just like a billion others: decent, but not great enough for others to care about. Anyway, I feel grateful for whatever it is.
I am still writing for several projects, and going freelance might be the best option I have for now because my current career seems to contradict one another — since no amount of New Year resolutions can bear answers to my longing souls — all I do now is to keep walking to the nearest road I can find, however unpromising.
Oh, H and I still see each other every once in a while, the distance might stretch as it always be, but now we have some bucks to cut the case and wave each other hello, although most times I am the one who went to Bandung — because there’s a lot to see! And I find my favourite places and meals there.
Life feels better when you have someone to be confused with, truly, even when it’s full of one shitshow to another (I do refer to our 2024 presidential election) (and I don’t really want to collaborate on what I just write).
It’s also interesting how dreams change over time.
My seventeen-year-old self would kill to be a Pengajar Muda (although I bet she would laugh knowing that 5 years from then, she would become just another corporate worker). At the age where I was supposed to apply to be one, I no longer aim to be it, and… it is not because my dream was overdue.
I wanted something different in different parts of life. I am now satisfied with spending a few years in Indonesia Mengajar — the NGO that governed all Pengajar Muda activities, for some corners of Iuran Publik and Pojok Refleksi. Tiny dreams conquered, I found the best people there, ones with the purest intentions and firm values. Whenever I feel useless, I remind myself about those people and the better future they try to create. I owed them a lot for my survival.
Lately, I’ve been revisiting my old dream about giving the subject I once pursued — and despised (due to my evergrowing impostor syndrome), where I started to think that perhaps it wouldn’t be as daunting as I initially imagined.
Or… it would turn out to be daunting.
It is my intuition that plays tricks on me because I miss the place where I both thrive and am stressed and under pressure; my baseline dopamine is undefined and they go with the waves and pits, hence life would be interesting again.
At least from both of them, I can learn something I otherwise wouldn’t if I stuck in the same place.
Now I understand what someone used to say that you will work for a long time in life, and you shouldn’t think that you are a failure for not having that job or that degree, or going to that specific country… you will, someday, not now doesn’t mean never.
Kak Alifah — my coworker — once wrote a letter to me, that getting a job right after graduating is a privilege, thousands would kill to be in your position right now.
It’s not supposed to be so hard seeing your privilege, Ninis, and it’s mostly a matter of perspective.
I hope you do recognize it more often, and be more grateful in embracing the ordinary.
Here’s to appreciating life and building resistance.
